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...presents... Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Go to IKEA:
a Play in One Act
by Jun34u
__//////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\__
__ Grand Imperial Dynasty __
Est. 1984 \\\\\\/ cDc paramedia: texXxt 428-09/15/2024 \////// Est. 1984
___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ __
|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons__|
Dramatis Personae
Rosencrantz: GUILDENSTERN's roommate.
Guildenstern: ROSENCRANTZ's roommate.
Scene
The living room of ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN's apartment.
Time
July, 2020.
ACT I
SETTING:
We are in the living room of ROSENCRANTZ and
GUILDENSTERN's apartment. It is sparsely furnished,
holding only a large but worn looking couch with
milk crate tables on either side. A door sits to
STAGE RIGHT. There should be a FIRST-AID KIT hidden
in one of the milk crates.)
AT RISE:
ROSENCRANTZ sits on the couch with their eyes glued
to their phone. GUILDENSTERN paces back and forth,
occasionally glancing at the door.
GUILDENSTERN
Is it close? I'm worried things are gonna get crazy out there before we
get our delivery.
(A siren wails in the distance.)
ROSENCRANTZ
(ROSENCRANTZ sighs.)
The app says the driver is still five minutes away.
GUILDENSTERN
Five minutes!
(GUILDENSTERN whirls back to face ROSENCRANTZ)
The app has shown 5 minutes for the past quarter hour! What on earth could
be taking so long?
(The siren wails again. It is louder this time.)
ROSENCRANTZ
I dunno. Guess they blocked off the roads.
GUILDENSTERN
Why would someone work as a delivery driver if they don't know their way
around?
(GUILDENSTERN sits on the couch next to ROSENCRANTZ and pulls out their
phone. ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN sit quietly for a moment, each
absorbed in their own world. All of a sudden, ROSENCRANTZ jumps up,
still staring at their phone. GUILDENSTERN looks up, confused.)
ROSENCRANTZ
He's here!--
(ROSENCRANTZ frowns with disappointment)
Shit. He says the elevator is out.
GUILDENSTERN
(GUILDENSTERN looks back down at their phone.)
We're only on the sixth floor.
ROSENCRANTZ
Yeah and, like, we're gonna tip... I mean, unless he, like, dumps it in the
parking lot. But I can't say that, I'd sound like an asshole! You type
for me!
(ROSENCRANTZ throws their phone to GUILDENSTERN.)
GUILDENSTERN
This is too important to be dumped in the parking lot...
(GUILDENSTERN pauses to type on Rosencrantz's phone, then looks back
up.)
I told him you're quarantining. Your roommate was out protesting and
came back with the virus.
(GUILDENSTERN fakes a cough.)
ROSENCRANTZ
You're a regular American hero.
(ROSENCRANTZ takes their phone back from GUILDENSTERN.)
(Something thuds in the distance.)
GUILDENSTERN
I mean, that's basically what we're doing. This is important!
ROSENCRANTZ
Yeah. We're gonna change everything.
(There is a sharp bang from offstage.)
I--
(More banging cuts him off, even louder.)
We--
(One more loud bang. Then the doorbell rings. GUILDENSTERN looks at
the door while ROSENCRANTZ looks back to their phone.)
ROSENCRANTZ (CONT.)
It's here! Quick, look sick!
(GUILDENSTERN collapses dramatically on the couch. ROSENCRANTZ turns
towards them.)
Shit, do I need a mask? I don't know where mine went!
GUILDENSTERN
I'm not really sick, you know.
(ROSENCRANTZ covers their mouth with their hand and starts towards the
door. They reach towards the door with their other hand, but pause when
they realize they are still holding their phone. ROSENCRANTZ looks back
towards GUILDENSTERN, who shrugs, and then takes their hand off of their
mouth to slowly push the door. The door does not budge.)
ROSENCRANTZ
Shit. We're blocked in.
GUILDENSTERN
(GUILDENSTERN sits up quickly.)
Could this be a trap? Are they barricading revolutionaries in? You didn't
buy this using your real name did you?
ROSENCRANTZ
No. I used my dad's credit card.
(ROSENCRANTZ tries the door again.)
Come help me with this.
(GUILDENSTERN gets off the couch and walks over to ROSENCRANTZ.)
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN push the door. They slowly get it open,
revealing a giant box.)
GUILDENSTERN
Wow. The box is smaller than I thought.
(GUILDENSTERN tries to lift the box.)
Heavy though.
ROSENCRANTZ
I can't believe the guy left it right in front of the door like that! What
an asshole!
GUILDENSTERN
Or a dumbass. I dunno if I would tip. Just sayin'.
(Sirens wail from offstage.)
Let's get this thing in here.
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN slowly push the box into their apartment.
After getting it to the center of the living room, they tip it over. A
bunch of wooden toy building blocks fall out.)
ROSENCRANTZ
I didn't know we had to put it together.
(ROSENCRANTZ reaches into the box and pulls out a postage stamp-sized
piece of paper.)
And these are the instructions. Useless.
GUILDENSTERN
Another obstacle to overcome in this important fight!
(GUILDENSTERN looks at their phone.)
I think I have a code to get 50% off of a Task-Rabbit?
ROSENCRANTZ
We can do this ourselves. After all, we're going to change the world!
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN sit on the floor and begin building a
a tower out of the blocks. Their construction attempts resemble those
of children. They bicker, swatting at each other's hands as they reach
for the same piece. Each piece is placed with clumsy hands, one more
precarious than the next.
NOTE: The tower may fall as the actors stack the blocks. Gravity is a
fickle thing after all.
If the tower falls, ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN barely react, sometimes
responding with a quiet "oh shit," or "damn it, this is important."
Then they gather up the pieces and start again.
As they build, the conversation continues.)
GUILDENSTERN
(GUILDENSTERN stops working to check their phone.)
Looks like the protests are happening all across the US. Millions of
people are marching.
ROSENCRANTZ
Good for them. We have to stand up to injustice.
GUILDENSTERN
(GUILDENSTERN gestures to the tower.)
We're helping just as much-- no, more than everyone out there. Besides, I
don't think I could go to a protest. I think I would just get too angry,
you know, at all the injustice in the world. Obviously I support the
protesters, I just care too much. I could actually kill someone.
ROSENCRANTZ
You and I care so much, and that's a powerful thing. We just have to play
to our strengths.
(ROSENCRANTZ hands GUILDENSTERN a block.)
I've also got a Twitter bot posting about this every five minutes.
GUILDENSTERN
Oh, good idea! What is it posting?
ROSENCRANTZ
Just an empty square. It's not my place to speak over those who are facing
discrimination, just to stand with them. To that end, I tagged every
activist on Twitter and used every protest organization hashtag that I
could find.
GUILDENSTERN
(GUILDENSTERN nods.)
Smart... Smart. Plus, you don't want to say the wrong thing online.
People are so angry right now. I understand how horrible everything is,
but they gotta be level-headed. Alienate all of your allies, and you'll
have no one left, you know?
ROSENCRANTZ
Yeah.
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN begin to finish the tower. It looms over
the rest of the living room, teetering uncertainty, like the masterpiece
of a menacingly tall toddler.
Note: Things fall without warning. The actors should do their best to
build a structure, but may need to react in character to any mishaps or
emergencies.
Please remember the FIRST-AID KIT in the milk crate table onstage.)
ROSENCRANTZ (CONT.)
I mean we're working hard for the cause. I may not get everything right
but... we're doing so much.
GUILDENSTERN
Yeah, we're making a huge difference.
(Siren noise from off stage.)
Getting closer.
ROSENCRANTZ
They're not coming for us. Some thug probably lit a car on fire. Again,
the anger is valid but...
(ROSENCRANTZ trails off.)
GUILDENSTERN
I'm not saying they delegitimize the cause when they do that, but... when
you're damaging property...
ROSENCRANTZ
Or blocking traffic.
GUILDENSTERN
Right. It's not exactly peaceful protesting. It delegitimizes the cause.
That shit is performative at best, violent at worst. There's no place for
it in a fight.
ROSENCRANTZ
That's why we're doing this.
(ROSENCRANTZ stands.)
We're almost done. Just one more piece.
(ROSENCRANTZ reaches into the box and pulls out a long flat object
wrapped in butcher paper.)
GUILDENSTERN
The most important piece. Let me help you with that.
(GUILDENSTERN grabs the other end of the package.)
(BLACKOUT)
(The stage lights slowly come back up. The tower of blocks as we know
it is gone. In its place is a GUILLOTINE.)
ROSENCRANTZ
It's beautiful!
GUILDENSTERN
I told you we were going to change the world!
(It starts quietly enough, but after a few moments the dull roar of a
crowd begins to fill the room. The distant cry of sirens pierces the
noise.)
ROSENCRANTZ
Now we just have to get it out to the protest!
GUILDENSTERN
...didn't the delivery driver say the elevator was broken?
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh shit, you're right. Maybe we can call someone to help?
(ROSENCRANTZ goes to the window and looks out.)
Wow. It's crazy out there. I don't think anyone can get through.
(GUILDENSTERN joins ROSENCRANTZ at the window and the pair stare outside
silently as the crowd noise grows louder. There are more sirens.)
GUILDENSTERN
We've done a lot. Maybe we should take a break and let things settle down.
(GUILDENSTERN gestures to STAGE LEFT.)
The fire escape from my room will put us pretty close to that coffee shop
you like...
ROSENCRANTZ
(ROSENCRANTZ looks back towards the GUILLOTINE.)
Yeah, I am pretty tired after working on this.
(ROSENCRANTZ pauses and looks back to the window.)
Maybe we can put it on the balcony? I'm sure someone down there
would like it... if they can get up here.
GUILDENSTERN
Leave it to the will of the people? I like it! Let's move that after we
get our caffeine fix though.
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit STAGE LEFT.)
(FADE TO BLACKOUT.)
(The sound of sliding metal rings slowly from the darkened stage, ending
in a dull thud.)
(END OF SCENE.)
___________ BLATTA---NON EST----VACCA ___________
\ / \ \_ _/ / \ /
|A G L A| \ \ / / |A G L A|
L ||\/X\/|| O \ EST_ _EST / L ||\/X\/|| O
|| \./ || \ \ / / || \./ ||
|\ ||_3 4_|| /|NON cDc NON|\ ||_3 4_|| /|
| -------._((___))_.------- |EST | EST| -------._((___))_.------- |
|\/)(\/\ [ x x ] /\/)(\/| \ | / |\/)(\/\ [ x x ] /\/)(\/|
|(YHVH) >A \ / O< (AHIH)| \ EST / |(YHVH) >A \ / O< (AHIH)|
|/\)(/\/ _ (' ') _ \/\)(/\| \ | / |/\)(/\/ _ (' ') _ \/\)(/\|
| -------' ) (U) ( '------- | \ | / | -------' ) (U) ( '------- |
|/ || . || \| SEMENES OPTIMATES |/ || . || \|
|| / \ || DAEMONIS || / \ ||
V ||/\X/\|| E V ||/\X/\|| E
|A D N I| the original e-zine |A D N I|
/_________\ - today, tomorrow - /_________\
xXx DYNASTY xXx FOREVER xXx DYNASTY xXx
_
Oooo xXx / RULE BOVINIA \ xXx / ) __
/)(\ ( . \ / ( / \
\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 2024 cDc communications and the author. \ . ) \)(/
(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
cDc communications. _
oooO All rights left. Edited by Omega. __ ( \
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